Now it's personal

Coming back from a business trip to Hong Kong for some planning for 2012, I watched Jane's Journey on the plane. Now, to be honest, BSR's strategizing and planning, though necessary and important, is not hugely motivating. I compare it to the previous two days that I spent baby-sitting in Andrea's office as she kicked-off her incubator: 6 women who want to set-up a social enterprise (a cross between a charity and a business; ideally the best of both) and one woman who already has one and wants to grow it who spent the weekend thinking about why they were there, what they wanted to do and how.

Not only were some of their own stories motivating, but so were some of the speakers who came in, early on a Sunday morning, to share their motivations about what they are doing and why. Just like countless AIESEC conferences that had motivated me in the past, I remember how important it is to be inspired and inspire: to have the conversations that re-energize me. I am fortunate to have so many of these conversations with Andrea and many of our close friends who operate in this space of trying to make a difference in the world. But there is always something special when you hear someone's personal story from their heart – and I am so fortunate to have met so many of these people.

Life at BSR can become detached from individuals, where we work on the organizational level, working with companies and charities, helping them do better things, and to do them better. Of course we talk to people in those organizations, who themselves are comprised of people. But whilst it should be so simple to change things, whilst it should not be necessary to create a business case for doing the right thing, somehow we live in a world where change is difficult, where people don't always act like people but as part of an organization, and where we need to spend huge amounts of time and effort—still—convincing people and their organizations why they should listen to other voices, why they should work with others together, why they should invest in improving things. And of course, we work with them to do this and make those changes in a world that is incredibly complex and where so many things seem to be stacked against making positive change that it needs BSR and many others to spend more effort that one would think necessary to drive change.

And as I sat on the plane watching the film—a documentary about the life of Jane Goodhall, a famous environmentalist who spent years living in the forests of Africa with the Chimpanzees and now inspires literally millions of adults and children through her work—it was the first time that I could think of that fundamental argument (that I, her and many others constantly make) in a new light. For now, when the concept of leaving the world a better place for our children comes up, it is now personal. I have a child, one who I want to live in a better world. This is not hypothetical any more. This is not about realizing how lucky I am or how much need there is, nor even the selfishness of wanting to leave a positive legacy behind. This is really personal.

I don't know if what I am doing—with BSR, with FYSE, with AIESEC or with anyone else I meet and try to help, is making the difference necessary. I, we, need to work out how to make change faster; so that we can create better jobs, products that do not use up so many resources, or societies that inflict pain on others. Listening to Zhong Na, for example, of Hua-Dan, who as a migrant worker stumbled into a program where through theatre she grew her self-confidence and skills and learnt English and was inspired to work for Hua-Dan and now wants to expand Hua-Dan into her own hometown, is inspiring. So is the story of Jane. These personal stories are so important. At breakfast last Saturday morning where we were brainstorming how to help these people, we maybe forgot of the actual people because we talked about role models, and peer pressure, institutional barriers, lack of supporting organizations, lack of funding and everything that we do need to talk about. Everything that we need to fix to help make it easier for people to make the change they want to make. And now, I know I need to help them so they can make the world better for little Hannah.

Watch the film.

Hannah at 1 month old

Hannah does not have a nickname yet, but she does have certain traits. For a start, she still seems to find it difficult to "poop" (and never in my life have I talked about such a subject as frequently as I do no) which is very amusing (for us at least, not for her). It means she always has a little scream before we hear the familiar noise. She continues to want to feed a lot, but a lot of the feeding it seems is actually a need for sucking rather than feeding. So we've discovered a finger in her mouth does the job just as effectively - soothing her for a few minutes. And fulfilling her most basic need (feeding) is the surest way to make her fall asleep (something men tend to do as well, though a different basic need!)

She has begun to change, slowly and surely. It's pretty exciting. Now she can actually produce tears (before she could not, unless we just became much more mean parents all of a sudden) so when she cries sometimes a few tear drops will come out. She has also began to smile a little bit. It's still quite rare and she is still more likely to adopt the Chinese politician expression of dumbness when she is happy (she has a double chin too, so there are additional parallels too). She is growing too - now 4.2kg (still tiny compared to a child born recently in China at 8kg!) and we've had to cut her fingernails a second time (it is a very delicate operation) otherwise she tends to scratch herself. And most excitingly her eyesight seems to be improving and she can better focus and keep track of objects and people.

She has her favorite position (slung over the shoulder) which always soothes her, along with being on the chest (especially in the baby carrier); and she likes to be rubbed... on the tummy or on her forehead. She continues to have hiccups quite often which is very cute, but she has also begun burping properly. If she feeds and does not burp she is not happy, so we merrily pat her on her back after feeding every time. Sometimes she really will just eat too much and more than air comes back up... the stains do give our clothes the "evidence" we need to prove we are parents though! She is definitely a modern person - she wants everything right away without waiting and when she gets it she goes overboard and takes too much too quickly, then takes a break and tucks right back in again. However her stomach definitely looks much bigger (close to being fat, to be honest :)) and so hopefully this will help her learn to go slow and steady. Her sleeping habits are still fine; normally only waking up once between 11pm and 6 or 7am (around 2am) - hopefully in a few more weeks we might be able to get her to last a whole 6-7 hours without needing feeding.

Hannah's facebook page is very popular - I'm sure she will thank her parents for putting all those photos and videos on there when she is older and if she ever wants to continue using facebook!

And for us? Well, I'm back at work, so seeing less of Hannah whilst Andrea both works and takes care of the sleepy girl. We're exploring some other options now she is older for childcare some of the time. Although we still take her out a lot, we've had quite a few visitors, which is unusual but nice. Meanwhile, the weather is going through a warm spell - it's above zero in the daytime, but I doubt it will last and winter will return for another month or more.

3 weeks of living with a very very cute and very very adorable... blob :)

Almost 3 weeks in, and time to go back to work. Hannah's grandfather has come and gone which was nice (for me and Andrea at least, I'm not sure Hannah is really aware of anything). Hannah is growing up - some things are changing and some things are not. She is beginning to last longer between feeds, which helps (at night), but she still cries on the nappy changing table and in the bath. Apart from that she only really cries just before she poops (it must be the effort or something) and then when she is hungry. And babies are very hungry!

So far she seems like a little angel and very easy; but i'm sure things will change. She is still really just a very very cute and adorable blob. Although a blob with arms and legs that can wave around quite a lot randomly, and a head that can bob up and down looking for food (we call it the woodpecker impression). She spends a lot of time just looking around, but not really seeing anything (her eyesight is not very good yet) so she does not recognize any people or objects. She just gazes, peacefully. She can make lots of facial impressions, but can't smile or giggle or anything (in fact, we are not sure she can even feel pain either yet).

We're going through lots of nappies. We're also very adapt at changing nappies anywhere - on a chair in a restaurant, on a sink in the bathroom of a mall, in offices and all sorts. It's not a big deal at all. We are also going through a lot of clothes though, as nappies don't seem to hold everything in it seems! but then the baby clothes are all adorable so it is nice to use lots.

And me? well, things are definitely getting into a routine now; Hannah is still beautiful to look at--and marvel at--but things are not quite so exciting at the moment. I'm sure things will get so once Hannah grows up a little bit and begins recognizing us, or at least recognizing objects so our playtime can be a little bit less one-sided (i.e. we play with Hannah, and Hannah is not really playing with us at the moment). Overall, it does not quite feel like being a dad yet, weirdly. I think Andrea definitely feels like a mum though - the labor was clearly a big deal for her and all that feeding is not something that she's been doing for the last 30 years :)

In general I still can't get over how amazing it is. A human being is able to create a tiny sperm and a almost-as-tiny egg and somehow, that creates a human being from nothing. One with an incredible brain and breathing system. In fact two breathing systems really. One where the baby can get everything it needs through it's belly button and then another where it can get it through it's nose (oxygen) and mouth (food and water). In fact, i have to say life is easy for us all after those first five seconds. Can you imagine the 5 seconds where you switch from living in a water bubble and naturally breathing and feeding through a tube in your stomach, to being squeezed through a small hole, opening your eyes in air, having your tube cut and having to use a nose and mouth for the first time; hearing sounds through ears for sort of the first time, seeing a hell of a lot of light and being manhandled, cleaned, measured and shoved in a very proud (but very large) woman's face. Quite a 5 second period. In fact if I had gone through that too, I might also be in shock for the next 6 weeks! In fact, apparently I was like that too once.

And somehow that turned into this. Which is also quite incredible. Though it took more than 5 seconds. An entire lifetime--changing all the time, though almost unrecognizable to the parents of course. Which is maybe what will be the craziest thing of all -- seeing such a tiny blob grow up, and yet not really seeing the changes. Every change, so small, yet they are happening. Probably not just to Hannah, but also unbeknown to me also to myself.